Salam.
It is raining heavily outside so does inside. Inside my heart. Hihi. No! My heart isn't crying. My heart is pumping, ensuring my body to keep moving and I am keep living.
Raidah is gone back to Malaysia for her sister's wedding. I am not quite sure whether she is helping out her sister or just attending, like a guest normally does (haha!). The thing is she had left and I am room alone now. I am quite sure I will enjoy her absence and make the room like my own fortress, having my own sweet time and leisure. =P
There is one thing I want to share in this post. I was asleep at 6 pm today and suddenly awake by the sound of thunder. Astaghfirullahalazim, it was actually Maghrib (8.02 pm is Maghrib time) and I quickly get off my bed to freshen up myself and prepare to perform the prayer. I looked at the windows and saw such an amazingly beautiful skies. I went out to the balcony and it was Subhanallah blew me away with the scenery. The skies were pink purplish upon the dusk. As I was witnessing the beautiful creation of Allah, one strange feeling suddenly rushed into me.
I felt the rhythm of sadness and melancholy playing in my mind as well as my heart. I felt so alone and lonely. I felt how terribly sinful I am. I could not describe the feeling, but I felt so small and alone all of sudden. I felt like, what if I was destined to live alone? What if there is no one in this world will accompany me throughout my life? What if I was abandoned by everyone and no one cares about me? What if my family left me alone? What if, what if, what if?? I was so scared and terrified. I cannot bear the pain if I was all alone in this world. I nearly cried. I was then quickly do the ablution and performed Maghrib. I was then took some time reciting Quran to finish Surah As-Saffat. I felt calmer then.
The thing that I want to share is that, even though I have made friend with lots of people throughout my life, I am sometimes still feel lonely. I love all of my friends and my family. I know how much they love me back. However, if this love I feel is not bringing me closer to Allah, I feel terrified. Terrifying of losing them even though they are always there. Allah wants me to talk to Him. He wants me not to get carried away with things that against His blessing. I did countless sins. I am ashamed of my sins and what I did to Allah but, I still asking Him for so many things. How shameless I could be? :'(
Dear Allah, I seek for your forgiveness and mercy. I am nothing without your bless. I am your servant but always forget to embrace our relationship. Oh Allah, do not ever let me go astray from your path. Lead me and guide me throughout this life. There is nothing else I have except You. The Most Valuable and The Most Merciful.
Forgive me, Allah.
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